Saturday, 9 April 2005

Polyamory (3)

Hello again, C
I am really sorry about the long winded life-story. I am at least glad that I have got that out of the way! I do realise that the last paragraph or so may be confusing. I was talking about my current, third, wife. I had to hurry it because I was getting late for work.
More important matters:
I do realise how it can be difficult to work through problems when you are all together; and I can also understand the sense of fear that everything is going to fall apart if one person wants to move out. There is a tension between wanting your own space and time and having the need to soak up the strength that comes from being together. Finding the dynamic balance is a constant process of readjustment. There has to be time as a complete family; time as couples and sometimes time alone. There also needs to be designated space for that too.
I have often thought that men and women look for different things in a house. Maybe these are stereotypes; but it is certainly true in many cases. Men need to have a den where they can be alone and do their stuff. This can be a garden shed or workshop or the garage.
The sense that I have is that you do, genuinely, have a deep bond between all three of you. But it is not a fairy tale. There are real issues, doubts, fears and difficult questions: not least about the children. You all are strongly motivated to succeed and I am sure you will. I am rooting for you, and praying for you and sending my love to you.
You know I really felt wonderful when you answered that question, ‘That is my husband and that is my wife.’ I felt like cheering.
Rafiq